Not since Kathy Hilton’s confusion over Homeless Not Toothless have I needed to pause my TV and laugh at the utter tomfoolery playing out on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. But thankfully, tonight’s episode features two celebrations that go comically awry.
First, PK plans an extravagant—and confusing—movie-themed date for his and Dorit’s wedding anniversary. (If this couple is actually getting divorced, like the tabloids are saying, I’ve lost all hope in love!) Then Kyle holds a birthday dinner for her 15-year-old daughter Portia, which she predictably makes about her new tattoos. We also get a glimpse at next week’s episode where Sutton loses it over a Magic Mike Live show that’s apparently too graphic for her Southern-belle taste. Thank God these women (and their husbands) can’t be anyone but themselves.
Before we get into the episode, though, let’s go over this season’s taglines, which were unveiled tonight.
Garcelle: I may act for a living, but I’ll never fall for a bad performance. 8/10
I’m typically annoyed with Housewives whose entire schtick is being the “real” one of the bunch. But on RHOBH, it works. Also, Garcelle’s smoky voice could sell me on anything.
Sutton: Who needs a knight in shining armor when you have your own horse? 7/10
As I’ll talk about later in this recap, this whole storyline about Sutton becoming a liberated woman following her divorce feels a little delayed. So I don’t know that I love this being her “journey” for the season. But this tagline encapsulates Sutton’s awkwardness and disgusting amount of wealth perfectly.
Erika: The best part of losing everything is getting it all back. 9/10
This sounds like an ad for Nutrisystem, but I kind of love it?
Dorit: Fashion is my language, and I speak it fluently. 6/10
This one feels a bit generic, like it could’ve been Dorit’s tagline for any given season. But I like that she hones in on her brand as both a fashion hypebeast and a self-proclaimed child of the world.
Crystal: They say wisdom comes with age, but I’m proving otherwise. 0/10
It took me a good 10 minutes to realize that Crystal wasn’t calling herself an idiot here. I completely forgot that Crystal was the youngest in the bunch because she dresses like she’s 50 and doesn’t have many memorable qualities. But she’s basically saying that the other women are old and dumb, and she’s young and smart. Got it.
Kyle: It’s hard to outrun rumors, but luckily I’m in better shape than ever. 7/10
Everything that comes out of Kyle’s mouth makes my eyes roll these days, but sure! Why not?
Now let’s get into the episode. First, Erika and Dorit meet for a needlessly extravagant picnic. Apparently, these two need a do-over of their confrontation at last week’s retreat. So Erika shows up, unwilling to take off her giant sunglasses but ready to give Dorit a whole-hearted apology for her remarks at last year’s BravoCon. Dorit explains that her words had more impact, given that she and PK were having troubles in marriage. To her friends, Dorit speaks about this time in past tense, like she’s moved on from her issues with PK. But as we see later on in the episode, she still doesn’t think he’s stepping up as a husband.
She also mentions that she was followed by three men after she took out $10,000 from the bank and subsequently had her purse stolen. This lady can’t catch a break!
Next Sutton meets with a matchmaker, which I couldn’t be less enthused about. Sorry! There’s nothing fun about watching awkward people going on bad dates! It just makes me cringe. I’d rather watch her go shopping with Jennifer Tilley.
Presumably, this season is partially about Sutton getting her groove back—as if she hasn’t been thriving and spending ridiculous amounts of money since we were first introduced to her. She also got divorced seven years ago! In another scene, she talks to Garcelle about how she’s finally ready to take ownership of her life. In Sutton’s case, I feel like this just means doing rich-lady stuff, like buying a horse in the Netherlands. Meanwhile, Garcelle is sobbing to her about Jaid asking to live with his father. I literally never want to hear about or see Garcelle’s extremely normal, monotone children on this program ever. But somehow I was more riveted by that story than Sutton’s newfound independence.
Then we check in on Crystal, who the editors decided didn’t exist in the season premiere. She’s having lunch with her husband, Rob, and brother, Jeff, who she’s really been trying to sell us on since her first season. She reminds us again that he’s the “Justin Bieber of China,” even though he has 16,000 followers on Instagram and he’s 42. Jeff’s also doing confessionals with her now and tells us about his breakup during the pandemic.
Apparently, Crystal urged him to come to the U.S. from China at the start of COVID-19, but his fianceé wasn’t able to come because she had a Chinese passport. So he just left her in China to fend for herself. Is this story supposed to endear us Jeff or make us hate him?
Then we get into this Pretty Woman-themed anniversary date PK’s planned for Dorit. Kyle assists PK in surprising Dorit but has some reservations about him giving his wife the Vivian Ward treatment because she’s a sex worker—which is so Kyle. To any millennial or Gen Z-er, this would be the hottest date idea ever! So Kyle drives Dorit to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel for her surprise but not without a little interrogation about her and Mauricio.
Dorit asks her if there’s any issues, given all the rumors about possible split and the lack of Mauricio on her Instagram. Kyle says she needed space lately, which Dorit is flabbergasted by. She also tells Kyle that she can tell her to shut up if she doesn’t want to talk about it. But I don’t think I’ve witnessed Kyle be more excited to talk about anything than her issues with Mauricio, maybe her role in the Halloween franchise.
So they go to the Beverly Wilshire, where PK has arranged a suite with room service. Her glam team comes barging in with a bunch of red dresses for her to live out her ’90s Julia Roberts fantasy. And she and PK even re-enact the scene with the jewelry box when he meets her downstairs.
Then comes the part where I nearly peed my pants. PK takes Dorit to a ballroom to have dinner where a woman and man with a guitar are singing Berlin’s “Take My Breath Away,” which is funny enough. Then a chyron pops up that says “From Top Gun, not Pretty Woman” while PK and Dorit slow-dance. There’s something so on-brand about this fraudulent couple having an earnest moment be completely undercut by a thematically incorrect song.
The night isn’t totally romantic, though. PK admits that he struggles to empathize with Dorit’s PTSD from her robbery. And Dorit just wants PK to put as much effort into their relationship as it did for their anniversary date.
If that wasn’t enough marital drama for you, Kyle and Mauricio can’t help but openly hate each other at Portia’s birthday dinner. I’m kind of shocked at how transparent Kyle is about her problems with Mauricio this season. She’s being extremely passive-aggressive. Whereas, Mauricio is still putting a huge, veneered smile on his face during their interactions—well, for most of this gathering.
First, Kyle snaps at Mauricio for telling her they should clean the mail off the table. Then, she snitches to his mother, Estelle, about his new tattoo. (This is after Kyle informs her mother-in-law about her own tattoos, and she isn’t impressed, so she has to drag Mauricio into it, too.) I’m trying to refrain from making Kyle seem like the bad guy in this inevitable split, even though it’s Kyle. And I highly doubt Mauricio is an innocent party. But she’s come off like a teenager trying to rile up their parents over the past two episodes when it comes to her spouse. Her tattle-tale-ing about Mauricio’s tattoo just to piss him off was extremely immature.
Finally, the women prepare to go to Las Vegas for Crystal’s birthday celebration. (Great timing for BravoCon, BTW.) They all get on a private jet, courtesy of Kyle. And you would never know this whole thing is for Crystal given how quiet she is compared to everyone else. I honestly thought this whole thing was for Erika until Sutton said Crystal’s name.
Garcelle says she hopes this trip will “get the stick out of Crystal’s ass” and loosen her up. And it seems like it will, given the women are already planning on what attire is best for when they get pulled onstage during Magic Mike Live. Unfortunately, there’s something about Crystal and Sutton’s astrological placements that’s precluded them from ever having a good time together.
We get a hilarious sneak preview of this Magic Mike show, where Erika literally has her legs behind her head and is simulating oral sex with one of the dancers. Sutton has a meltdown and starts crying about her pants before we’re hit with a “To Be Continued…” Congrats to these women for somehow making me more excited about this next episode than BravoCon.
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